Doubting

I wrote this up as a snippet of Keelath’s thoughts when Tyrdan started dating Lellith in ingame roleplay. Canonically, this would come just before when Tyrdan rode out into Dragonblight to beg Keelath to give Lellith another chance.

Author’s Note

I consumed a tuskarr who had crossed my path. I have not fed for a few days. As ever, it is a whiplash inside me. The rush, the sweetness, the sharp crack of another piece of my spirit.

My memories are fading faster now. I never realized how much emotion is tied to them. I keep on the search for Mirium—Tyrdan does not understand my haste. Once my memories are gone, only it being my duty will keep me on the trail, if another duty does not override it first. I want to hold her in my arms one more time while I still can love her. That may never come to pass.

***

I fought with Tyrdan this night. He has been sneaking back to Silvermoon, not to rest, but to dally with his whore. I fed afterward for relief, and shortly again before I spoke to him tonight, in case the drive to kill became too great and I found him on my sword.

Memories of my brother are also fading with each whiplash of the kill. I would be more upset if it weren’t for our upheaval. Instead I see it with relief, and some regret. We won’t be mended before I will be laying him to rest in my heart. And then? Only my loyalty to my liege lady will remain.

It will hurt him. He will not understand. There was never any other fate.

***

I rode away from Dawnmist tonight. My head is a bit full. I felt angry at my brother, but mostly just sad. 

I am losing him. I cannot accept his choice of mate. Maybe it is hypocritical, but a woman who employs dark magic willingly is not someone I can like. Nor do I think much of her work ethic. I don’t fear for Tyrdan—in most ways he can take care of himself, and in all others… He was been warned: he chose not to heed. 

I think he believes me outdated in this. I do not see true values as ever outdating. I have suffered enough being forced to go against my own conscience already; I will not subject myself to more by condoning this.

I wonder too, at the title and the manor. I could not take them back without some major trouble with the magistrates or my brother. I do not think that battle necessary yet. Maybe ever. I do not think much of my brother’s work ethic either, but it will suffice. 

***

I felt a release on leaving Silvermoon. I am not to go back there, I think.

Off the boat in Northrend, I hunted. There are humans in these woods, who still resist the Dark Lady’s call. They will nourish me before they serve her.

My purpose blooms inside me with each kill. I am Forsaken. This is the burden we all bear—the hunger, the separation of family, the double standard of our morals. I knew the memories returning would be but a short respite from this fate. …perhaps, a distraction.

She grows impatient. Maybe my brother will be right in believing Mirium can take care of herself. Her plans will not wait much longer. 

But I have my duty here yet to fulfill. To Mirium. While I still remember, nothing will override this loyalty. 

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